he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i barfeds in our rink
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
