Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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