It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
