We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
