Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
