my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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