guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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