I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
