i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
