living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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