I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Actions speak louder than pants.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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