My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
