When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
