I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
