but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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