she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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