while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
