I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
