If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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