You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
