A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So vagazzling was a success
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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