Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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