The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
