i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
