So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize