Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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