He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
