I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
