elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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