I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
