and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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