yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
