Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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