So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
