Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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