Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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