Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
