highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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