I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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