i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
