She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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