my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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