My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
