i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
