my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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