I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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