If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you didnt know i had herpes?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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