Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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