i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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