I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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