The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
