Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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