dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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