even my farts smell like vagina
Sober January is a disaster.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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