The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
