Sacagawea was the original milf.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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