I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I want is dick and wine.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
