you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
