Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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