11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
