We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize