Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
