This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is Oprah even human
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
