remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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