and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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