guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize